Interesting

You know, I never anticipated actually using my blog this much...and I always hated journaling. But for some reason...I'm actually enjoying putting my thoughts down on this site, getting them off my mind and putting them in order on here. I've hated journaling for a long time, and Ron told me I should pray about it, and then journal about it. I should write "Lord, why do I hate to journal?" and then listen to what the Lord's saying and then write down whatever He's saying. But after I wrote the question I didn't hear anything. I think it's partially because I haven't been living the cleanest lifestyle, but also because the question wasn't true anymore. I don't hate journaling anymore. I kinda felt like I was hearing something about "I don't like not having control, especially over how I choose to spend my time and I felt like journaling was a waste of time" or something like that. But I wasn't sure where that was coming from so I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to it. So, I wasn't upset that I didn't really hear anything from the Lord to write down, but a little while later while I was kinda worshiping in my bed, listening to some Jason Upton, God was like "Think about it son, you don't really hate journaling now. You've been journaling for a few days. It's not quite the same as journaling on paper, but I am still glad that you're doing it."

Something else that's been on my mind the past couple of days, that is rather disturbing and is no doubt from Satan, but I can't seem to shake it. It seems like whatever I'm involved with is better off without me. I mean seriously...I missed intern class yesterday morning, and Dave said it was really deep and it was awesome. Ok...that's annoying. A few Sunday's ago, I was outta town and didn't get to go to church, and I find out that it was just about the best Sunday ever. Ok...that's frustrating. Next thing you know, I'll find out that my men's meeting I missed was the best ever. I mean...I really feel like a hinderance or like I don't belong or something and it's pissing me off because it just doesn't register to me as something that can be true because God's word says otherwise. And I've learned that what you believe is what you think, what you think is what you feel, and what you feel is what you do. So...I'm feeling like I don't belong and like a hinderance. Are my actions effected by my feelings? Am I doing anything that would show the way I'm feeling? Probably. I didn't go to my men's meeting this Monday on purpose...and I planned to lie about it. Holy crap. I need to talk to some guys about this. And I almost started to consider dropping the worship team, and the youth team, and even not going to church. I must find the route of all this crap, get rid of it, and replace it with truth.